December 9th

Today is my brother's birthday. He would have been 35. I was sad and sentimental today, which was actually kind of nice. I have been so busy being angry at him that I haven't had a lot of room for sadness. As my family and I psycho-analyze over and over and over again his personality and his problems and why he didn't tell anyone he was depressed and what possibly could have led him to commit suicide, all the explanations in the world still don't really clear things up. I still don't believe he is dead - like he'll show up one day and say "Surprise! I was just messing with you!" because he liked to mess with people's heads. He used to wave at random drivers when he passed them in his car, just to see if they would wave back, just to confuse them and make them wonder the rest of the day "Who was that guy? How do I know him?". He was an unusual person, to say the least.

Anyway, I had lunch with my mom and my cousin, who grew up with my brother on our grandmother's farm in the summertime. He told us stories of how they would hide from Maw Maw when she was mad at them. We toasted our iced tea to him and I felt a deep sadness, just for a moment. Then we ate some really good sushi and tried to figure out why he pulled the trigger. I know we will never really know, but there is a bit of comfort in our attempts at understanding. Maybe one day I can just be sad about it and leave my anger at him behind.